Feeling Free

The first week of no laxatives was very hard physically. Emotionally and mentally, I felt wonderful. My body, however, had stopped working the way it was supposed to because it had relied on the laxatives to do the work. Every time I ate, I felt as if I were going to throw up. The bloating, reflux, and heaviness was not fun, but I got through it. And I didn't slip up, even though it would have been easy to do.  I kept telling myself if I took laxatives I would have to start this all over. God made our bodies to be so resilient. When I think about the abuse I had subjected my body to for over a year, and then how it healed in such a short time, I can't help but be thankful. There are still times I wonder if there is damage done that I can't see, but I have to give those worries to God and let Him heal me in the way He sees fit.

I went to my last session with my therapist and she gave me a sheet with a picture of a stop light on it. In the green circle she wanted me to write what continued recovery/no behaviors looks like. I wrote "No laxatives." In the yellow circle she wanted me to write down what it would look like to need to reach out for help. I wrote "Take laxatives or use other behaviors." In the red circle she asked me write what relapse would look like. "Laxative or other behaviors for a period of time" is what I wrote. It was hard at that stage for me to even picture going back to that place. I felt strong and confident and in my last week at Renfrew I decided I wanted to take in everything and make sure I wasn't checking out early. I did just that. At every exercise I listened, participated, and smiled, thinking of how far I had come. There were new ones joining the group, and I prayed that they kept going. I felt like a new person was emerging and it was euphoric. I was sad to leave the women who had become almost like sisters in that short amount of time, but so happy to be leaving because it meant I was well.

On my last night at Renfrew I went in feeling so happy. They had their usual ceremony when a woman finishes at Renfrew. They passed around a carved dolphin and each woman placed a "blessing" in the dolphin for me.  I had written something I wanted to read, and I only cried a little (can you believe it?).

When I came to Renfrew 8 weeks ago, I was in a dark place, and I didn’t even know it. “Oh, these poor girls who have eating disorders,” I thought to myself on the first night. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was one of those girls and that I needed to be here. Over the course of my treatment I have been continually supported by all of you, and because of that support, I have found a confidence that I have never known. There has been something empowering about having a group of women listen to some of my deepest darkest thoughts and not pass one ounce of judgment. Each one of you has been such a big part of my recovery, and I won’t ever forget what your encouragement here has given me. I hope one day you are all able to see yourselves as I see you—beautiful inside and out.

I am leaving here, knowing that I am beautiful today, just as I am, because I am me. When I came here, I was in the grips of something evil called Ed. I am still a work in process, but he no longer has a hold of me, and I leave here today feeling free.

I thank God for my time at Renfrew. It really did save my life. I didn't know what life after Renfrew would entail. I felt strong and unbreakable, but I had not yet encountered the stresses of life without an outlet and safe place 3 nights a week. Adjustments were to come but the knowledge and support I got while in treatment was to be my saving grace every time I stumbled. It was almost Christmas and I couldn't wait to enjoy the holidays with my family and not waste time worrying about the demands of my eating disorder. And I didn't. I watched my son's face light up when he opened his presents. I held my husband's hand. I ate with everyone and enjoyed it. I felt like it marked a new beginning in my life, and I couldn't help but smile and say prayers of thankfulness for the life I've been given.