Since my last post several big things have happened.
In November, I was asked to speak at an event for the Aubrey's Song Foundation. That was big for me. Not only did I speak in front of a large group of people for the first time ever, but I spoke about something that is hard to talk about. In previous years, the eating disorder convinced me that if I had something to say no one would hear me because of my size. I wouldn't have even thought of standing in front of a group of people where I could be critiqued. Even though my first instinct was to say no to this opportunity, I needed to do it. I needed to focus on the reason for this event. I needed to stand proud and say that I'm beating this, not only for myself but for other men and women fighting these disorders and for those, like Aubrey, who have lost their battle. Ed tried to get in my head the minute I agreed to speak. He told me I should lose weight before getting up in front of such a big group. Just a few pounds won't matter. Everyone will listen to you if you're skinner. I had to talk to my husband about this one. He snapped me out of it pretty quickly and I was able to focus on the message and not the fact that I was the messenger. Public speaking still isn't my forte, but I did it, and I can check that off of my list of fears I've overcome since treatment.
You may be wondering how an eating disorder affects someone during pregnancy (or maybe you're not, but I'm going to tell you anyway). I stopped medicating around 6 months before I got pregnant, so that was an adjustment. Everyone seems to have an opinion about taking meds. For me, it was a tool I used to help cope with my eating disorder and anxiety when I stopped my behaviors and it helped me. When I took that tool away, things became a little unsteady at times, but once I got pregnant, knowing that someone was relying on me to grow made me feel like it wasn't an option to use behaviors. I think in some ways this made it harder, but I tried to remember the things I had learned in therapy when things got tough. My husband is a patient man. Couple pregnancy hormones and an unmedicated bulimic and you get a little bit of craziness at times, but we got through it, and I only purged one time in my 9 months of pregnancy. I'm proud of that and I want to go 9 more months, and 9 more, and 9 more. I just have to be honest with myself and keep checking in with my support team to make sure I stay on track.
We welcomed sweet Ruby on March 6th. She is beautiful. I keep thinking what a huge responsibility it is to raise a daughter. Not that sons aren't a big responsibility (especially little red headed ones), but the idea that someone is going to be watching me to learn the role of a woman scares me. I want her to know she's beautiful because she is loved first and foremost by God. I want her to be kind, generous, graceful, confident, and full of hope. I want her to see those things in me. I don't want her to be afraid of what people think. I have a lot of work to do.
The latest thing that's happened is that my husband got offered a new job in the same town as my sisters and only 30 minutes from my parents. This is something I've wanted for a very long time but never really expected to have, so I've been down on my knees the last couple of days saying prayers of thanks for this dream come true. However, as you can see, anytime there's something big going on, Ed decides to rear his ugly face and tell me I should start using behaviors in preparation. Don't you want to be skinny for this? Don't you think it will help manage stress?These are questions that my Ed likes to pose when there are upcoming events. You know what, though? Instead of entertaining those thoughts, I'm writing this blog. Take that, Ed.
