October marks one year since I started treatment at Renfrew. I've been going back and forth between celebrating and feeling a little disheartened. I've heard different things about eating disorder recovery and most of them include years of therapy to be fully recovered. I don't know how long I will continue therapy. I don't know what fully recovered even means, but today I'm choosing to celebrate because of how far I've come.
One year ago I was sick. I was never eating breakfast, rarely eating lunch, and I was taking so many laxatives in a day that I could not be anywhere without having to be slave to the restroom. When I type those things out it doesn't feel like I'm talking about myself. I was weak. I was tired. I was moody. I wasn't a good wife. I wasn't a good mother. I wasn't a good sister. I wasn't a good friend. So, I would binge at night to feel better. But oh, that meant I needed to work out. Then I would wake up and do it all again.
Today, I am not sick. I eat three meals a day more often than not. I don't take any laxatives. When I have to go to the restroom, I can wait like a normal person until there is a bathroom available. I have energy. I am a better wife. I am a better mother. I am a better sister and friend. I work out sometimes, but sometimes I don't and that's ok. I may be a little bigger, but I like to think it's because my heart is so full. I fall asleep at night feeling tiny kicks from the sweet baby my body is healthy enough to carry. I wake up every morning to the sound of my precious son's voice asking "How was your sleep, mommy?" And I'm able to smile and say "It was so good. What should we do today?" because I'm no longer a slave to my eating disorder.
I still have days where I look in the mirror and wonder if I'm seeing what's really there. I have days when I don't really want to be around people because I feel fat. On those days I have to remind myself that life is so much more than worrying about a number on the scale or a clothing size. It's about the many blessings in this life and the hope within me for the life to come.
So, yes, I think I'll celebrate this past year. I don't know what's ahead, but I know what's behind and I'm never going back there.
