Some have said I'm brave for writing about this. I don't know about brave, but I am tired. I'm tired of more importance being put on size and appearance, than kindness and inward beauty. Don't get me wrong. I have spent far too much time thinking about how I look. Those of you who know me well, know I like being a girl. I like to get dolled up. But, my eating disorder has been a rude awakening that life is so much more than striving to be pretty or be a size whatever (fill in the blank with your appropriate dream size). Would I still like to be skinny? Well, of course. It's been imprinted on our brains since the time we are little girls that skinny=pretty=happy. But, what would happen if we were to start teaching our daughters that they are beautiful, because they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), that beauty doesn't really have to do with size, shape, or color. God made us. He loves us. That is what's beautiful. What if we were to teach them this formula: love(for God, others, and ourselves)=beautiful=happy.
Our culture is messed up. On one rack in the check out line we have the nakie magazines. You know, the ones where all the women are dressed in clothes that show off their awesome bods and we think wow, that'd be nice (after the shock of seeing too many tatas and and too little tact). On another rack we have the "healthy" magazines that contain tips about losing 10 lbs in a week, and having the perfect abs. On yet another rack we have Paula Dean's smiling face and the recipe for her butter, sugar, shortening, chocolate chip, heart attack dessert with whipped cream on top (which I'm sure tastes aaa-mmm-aa-zzz-ii-nnggg) and titles like "treat yourself." How confusing.
We are obsessed with looking like models. We are quick to try new diets. On the other side, though, we are also fascinated with new recipes, trying the new restaurant, and figuring out how to eat our troubles away. How do we draw a healthy line? I'm still trying to figure this one out, but hopefully I can share some things I've learned throughout this journey that have helped me.
I say you're brave because it takes bravery to take that first step and admit you have a problem. It's so much easier to keep covering it up.
ReplyDeleteMy prayer is for each day to be one that encourages you to gain the strength you need to take that step you need to become the healthy you. One day at a time. Love you gal.
Hannah - thank you so much for these posts.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have never consistently succumb to my own suggestions to throw the food back up, take a couple of laxatives, or run a million miles a day - I have definitely tried all of those things to make myself feel more comfortable with my weight. This is the one time I thank God that I get bored with things too easily. Becoming addicted to things is hard for me - but that doesn't mean, in this case, that I don't [think] about trying those things again to "make it all better". I do, all the time.
My weight fluctuates so often, and I'm so embarrassed around my sisters (thankfully, Shannon is prego, so it helps the anxiety) or any girls who have a thin figure. I hugged Alli this weekend, and she has lost so much weight over the past year - and all I could think about was how I am bigger and weigh more than my older sister. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. I may be little, but I always refer to myself as a "big little" because I am curvy and a lot of what I have jiggles a little too much for my comfort level. I'm constantly doing two things: worrying about how I look - and thinking about/giving into food cravings. It's such a painful cycle to fall into - and I am always trying to find a way to make it all magically go away. Especially because I haven't been in touch with God because I've wasted so much time looking in a mirror, thinking about my weight, food and looking thin. Recently, I've found that drinking more and more water makes me have bowel movements, and after that - I feel "tinier". So, I drank about 100 ounces the other day to try to cleanse myself of the food-splurge I had given into the day before. My roommate was so "impressed" by my ounces-count, but she had no idea that I was trying to lose three pounds by the end of the night. It doesn't have to be laxatives, I guess.
Your blog really opened my eyes to my reality. Maybe I don't have a diagnosed, consistent, eating disorder - but I don't live a healthy life, and I think it's safe to say that I do have a mental eating disorder. Just today, I walked around at work feeling much more confident that my stomach was flatter than the last time I clocked in, because I haven't eaten so much in the past few days. I'm always way too excited to have to "go to the bathroom" - thankfully, maybe you understand this.
I am not happy with who I am - and I need to beat this, too. I've wasted too much precious time.
I know that this may not be the place to divulge such details, but I guess I didn't know how to get in touch with you otherwise.
I've been struggling a lot lately - and I needed to read your story. Can't wait to hear more progress.
Love you and your lovely family.
Hayley,
DeleteI tried to get your e-mail address through twitter and from Alli and can't seem to find it but I didn't want to let your message go with no response. I've been thinking about you-- a lot.
I felt a little relieved FOR you as I read about your thoughts/behavior regarding your weight. Did it feel good to just get out some of those things that have been on your mind for so long? Sometimes in group just saying out loud that I took laxatives felt freeing. It's like if I talked about it I couldn't do it in secrecy anymore and I was fighting that voice that told me to be quiet.
I am so sorry you struggle with this too. You don't have a diagnosed eating disorder but the voice of Ed (we like call our eating disorders this name in our groups) has certainly crept into your head and is causing you to have thoughts about your body that are just not accurate. It has also told you if you do certain things, you will be thinner, which will means you will be happier. Both of those statements are not true. I know a lot of thin people who are really unhappy (and overweight people too). We both know that happiness isn't simulated by the way we look. Sometimes it's just hard to remember.
There are so so many things I want to say. So many worksheets from group I want to mail you about learning to love yourself. I hope we can talk more. But start with these things:
No one that loves you has ever loved you because you are short, thin, blue eyed, brunette, or any other physical feature. Have you ever loved anyone because of these things? Why would it be different for you?
Our bodies are so temporary. They are only a shell. I have stretch marks. Bad. I call them my battle wounds for giving birth. They aren't pretty and at first I was devastated. But, goodness gracious, when someone asks me what kind of person I want to be I would never list "pretty" or "unstretchmarked" because in all honesty, those things just don't matter. I am still me, and the people who loved me before love me now, even with my post-pregnancy body.
Have you thought about going to counseling? It seriously changed my life. Sooo expensive but if insurance will help and you can afford it at all it is worth the money.
Sweet Hayley, I appreciate so much you reading my blog and reaching out. You are not alone. Please feel free to call or text me anytime (Ill send you my number on twitter).
Love you much.