It's been a while since I've written. As I was writing about my journey through recovery I started feeling guilty. I had so many people write to me and tell me how inspired they were to see the process unfold. I was astounded to read daily messages from women (and men) who struggled with the same things or even very different things, but who found strength in reading the details of my struggles.
So, why did I feel guilty? Well, I just don't feel that inspiring. As I was recalling my experience in treatment, I was doing so several months after the events actually took place, and while writing was a wonderful reminder of the hope I found at Renfrew, it was also a reminder that the ease of my recovery was short lived.
K, whoa, let me back up. This is not meant to be a downer post and I don't want to break any hearts or let anyone down. Intensive outpatient is a wonderful way to go for quick and intimate therapy. I have no idea what shape I would be in if it weren't for my time at Renfrew, but I know it wouldn't be pretty. With that being said, here are just a few things that I have discovered since my time at Renfrew that have simply made my recovery harder:
The diet mentality doesn't work for long term weight loss (I plan to talk more about this in a future post so stay tuned). Not only does it not work, but it's not an option for me because I get all obsessive crazy and start using behaviors that aren't healthy. But, just because I feel this way, doesn't mean the rest of the world does. So, dieting, calories, and weight are all still a common topic of conversation. Don't get me wrong. It's not as if every time someone talks about calories or losing weight I am freaking out (only some of the time). I think I just came out of treatment expecting the 8 weeks to be enough to shield me from triggering situations, but the reality is that I was stepping back into the real world where all of the triggering factors are still present. I remember I was talking with my friend from group about how Renfrew veterans we met seemed tainted and discouraged. "That'll never be us," we both said. I'm so thankful that she and I experienced the "let down" around the same time so we could help each other through it. When I brought up this discouragement to my aftercare therapist, she explained it like this: IOP was a jumpstart to recovery. It gave me knowledge, skills, and techniques to cope with every day life. However, I am combating years of thoughts and behaviors and realistically 8 weeks (or however many weeks) isn't going to cure my disorder. Recovery is a journey and it takes time and work.
So, for a little update, time and work are what I have been putting in these days. Back in January, I starting weaning myself from my medication because we knew we wanted to have more children in the near future, and I wanted to make sure I could function without medication before getting pregnant. There were ups and downs during the weaning process, and lots of prayers, but I have now been off of my medication for over 8 months and am proud to say there have been minimal use of behaviors. It's hard. I have realized eating disorders aren't something that go away quickly or easily (I know, bummer, right?). There is debate on whether one can ever completely overcome one, but I choose to believe that there is hope of full recovery. Plus, I have even more incentive now to keep going (as if I didn't have enough before), since I am expecting baby number 2 in March!
So, to sum it all up, I needed to update you all so I didn't feel like an imposter. Everything I wrote was true. I had a wonderful experience in treatment and left feeling like I could take on the world. In my euphoric state I just didn't realize I would really have to do that!
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