Around the same time, Lauren had to step down to day treatment where she could get more support. She just wasn't gaining the weight she should and still had a lot of anxiety around eating. Linda also left IOP. I was told she was "taking a break" from treatment. She seemed serious and hard to reach sometimes in group. It was obvious she didn't want to be there. I learned she had almost lost her life to her eating disorder and had been fighting it for many many years. She was tired. I wanted to tell her she was beautiful and that she deserved to live. I didn't get a chance to do that, but I still think about her from time to time and hope she's found peace.
I was feeling a little overwhelmed when the group I started with began to move on and new people were showing up. I had only just begun to get to know and open up to these ladies and now they were leaving. Two more new faces showed up after Grace. One girl, Julia, looked around my age. I liked her style and she had good taste in music. She was solemn, and I wondered what her story was. The other lady, Toni, looked late 40's- early 50's and she had such a warm smile. When the therapist asked the same question-- what would we like to tell them, Grace chimed in "It's safe here." I smiled, and was so happy after just one night she felt that way. There was solace there.
Grace still struggled at every meal. She could never finish, which always meant she had to drink a boost, which would make her even more upset. I felt for her. I wanted to fix it for her and to kick that voice out of her head and tell it to leave her alone. But, we couldn't fight each others' battles. We could only fight our own, and remind the others they were not alone. Sometimes that was enough to get through the day. Grace had to leave IOP shortly after joining because it just wasn't enough for her circumstance. She went to day treatment. I was so sad. I had come to love that girl in a very short time. But, it was best and I knew I would see her again. Some people you just can't forget.
Grace still struggled at every meal. She could never finish, which always meant she had to drink a boost, which would make her even more upset. I felt for her. I wanted to fix it for her and to kick that voice out of her head and tell it to leave her alone. But, we couldn't fight each others' battles. We could only fight our own, and remind the others they were not alone. Sometimes that was enough to get through the day. Grace had to leave IOP shortly after joining because it just wasn't enough for her circumstance. She went to day treatment. I was so sad. I had come to love that girl in a very short time. But, it was best and I knew I would see her again. Some people you just can't forget.
I remember a night when one of the therapists asked us to write on a note card the first time we remembered having a negative thought about our body. Mine was at camp-- age 10. One of the boys called me fat and I remember being very aware of my body for the first time. On the other side of the card she wanted us to subtract that age from our current age to figure up the number of years we had been thinking about our bodies in that way. Thirteen years. That's how long I had been thinking of my body negatively. Thirteen years was too long. I was ready for a change.
When I met with my individual therapist in week 3, she asked me about my food journals. I had been filling them out, but very little. It wasn't because I was forgetting to, it was because I was eating very little. The fewer laxatives I took, the less I was eating. I didn't even fully realize I was making this change, but it was as if my Ed was telling me it had to be one or the other, because if I wasn't purging as much with laxatives I absolutely had to restrict. My therapist said that their first concern was my physical health. She recommended I step down to day treatment. I was devastated. Me? Step down? I have been fully participating. I have been putting my heart and soul into this. I have come to love these ladies and I am just getting to know the others. "I can do this." I said. "I'm going to get my mom to just sit down with me at every meal and hold me accountable so that it's not so easy to skip meals. I'll have her initial my paper." My therapist said "Cool. I think you can do it too. We just want to make sure you have the support you need. If you think you can get it at home, then I trust you and we'll check in next week." I didn't realize it at the time, but that was the true beginning of my healing. Up until then I had a bag full of tricks (also known as behaviors) I could use when things got hard. Not anymore, though. The hardest times were yet to come.
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