Realization

Night two of IOP. I was pumped. I was ready. I left the previous night feeling encouraged and excited to reach out and help those ladies fight their battles. I walked in and made small talk with the girls that were there. The nurse came and got me and said they had forgotten to weigh me and check my blood pressure the day before and could I come to her office. Panic. My secrets
is going to be out. They are going to know how big I am. I held it together. "Sure." I got to the office and they did blood pressure sitting down first. "You can step on the scale now." It sounded so...bossy. I started to step on and she corrected me "Oh, um, backwards." Wait. I'm not allowed to SEE how much I weigh right now? You get to know and I don't? This means I don't get to guess what you're thinking based on the number. This means I don't know how much I have lost using the laxatives in the last 6 hours. "Oh. Okay." She then took my blood pressure standing up. She told me I needed to drink a Gatorade because there was fluctuation in my blood pressure sitting down vs. standing up. She explained that if my body was deficient of certain things, it could cause this change.

So, back to group I went, Gatorade in hand. It felt like a trophy. The eating disorder voice (we like to call it the voice of Ed) was telling me I had succeeded. I had deprived myself enough that it was evident. Good job. 

The topic of the group was food rituals. "What are food rituals?" I asked after the therapist had been talking about them for a few minutes. Lisa chimed in. "You know, like, manipulating your food before you eat it to make it easier to eat. It can be cutting your food into little bites so it looks less daunting, or eating one thing at a time instead of taking turns with different types of food." I had never thought about this concept before. The therapist had everyone go around the room and tell one of their rituals. I was stunned. These poor women worry about eating so much. Every time they eat they worry. I wanted to hug them all. I went last. "I honestly don't think I have any of those. I just take laxatives." Linda looked up (she was usually looking down). "When do you take your laxatives?" I was caught a little off guard. "Usually, 3 in the morning 3 in the afternoon and 4 before bed." "Well, I know it's not when you eat, but taking 10 laxatives a day sounds like a pretty serious ritual to me." I didn't say anything for a minute. And then I just started crying (remember, it's what I do). I'm not talking about a little sniffle. I was pretty much sobbing. I felt the same reaction as I had the night before when I cried. Everyone offered their silent support through glances filled with empathy and lots of tissues. Tracy cried with me. I pulled it together.
"I'm so sorry. I think I just came into this thinking about how sad it was to be here with all of these women with eating disorders. I kept thinking I would help everyone get better. But, I need to get better. I really need to get better. I'm one of you."

It was the first of many realizations I came to while I was in treatment. Those realizations are what brought me out of the grips of something I had let run my life for way too long.